My Life, my dreams, my musings……..

October 21, 2008


Filed under: Uncategorized — Shyamala N. @ 10:51 pm


Oh no! Am not inspired by the latest Chetan Bhagat novel. Hell, I don’t even like it! But yeah, it did inspire me to look back at my life, and mull over some mistakes that I committed in my life-so-far. Not that I have had a very long life or something (I just turned 22!). But yes, I do have some regrets, some qualms. Somewhere, looking back makes me see a deep chasm, an abyss in my past life. These are some musings which gnaw at my sanity, and chide me, “Oh! You were so stupid and immature back then!” But then, I find solace in the fact the acceptance of one’s mistakes is a step towards setting them right. Of course, some mistakes are irreparable and cost you a lot. The maximum you can do is, to realize them, and take a vow that you’d never repeat them ever, in your lifetime. It is the forbearance which marks the maturity of a human being.

Well, the first mistake I committed, coming chronologically, was to shun my sister. Even as an infant, I hated the sight of her. I had always wanted a younger brother, and the news of birth of a younger sister was too much for me to bear. Seemingly, I told my Maami to exchange this kid for another baby boy in the hospital. Well, looking at it from one aspect, some might wave it off as a childish brawl. It is but obvious that children do feel the insecurity with the arrival of a younger sibling. But with me, it was different. In the sense, I screwed up my relationship with my sister because of my “childhood insecurities”. I was holding on to it till I was 15, and she, 11. I do give her the credit for being a wonderfully mature human being. All younger siblings are smart. They are very sensitive to the moods of the parents and the elder siblings. They know the pattern of brought-up by parents, and refrain from committing the same mistakes as their elder sisters or brothers. My sister, too, was smart in that sense. And, additionally, she was aware of the fact that I did not accept her at all. Even then, she respected my decisions and looked up to me for most of the things. I lost precious 11 years of close bonding with her. At the end of the day, your siblings are your dearest friends, because they understand you the best.

Next, I really do regret the way I behaved with my parents. I shunned them completely. I have said many a mean things to them. Had it been anyone else, they would’ve given me a tight slap and would have hated me definitely. But my parents put up with my immature thoughts and behaviour and silently saw me heal. I always held the grudge against them that they never stopped me when I wanted to run away. They let go of me. Now, looking back at it, I do realize how difficult a decision it is to let go of a child. I can never think of letting go of my child. But they respected my decision, and knew what was best for me. Not stopping me was their way of telling me that they held unending trust in me. I was a dementia-hit, hysterical, schizophrenic freak when it came to my parents. But now, am happy that things have changed for good. My going away have given way to coming back to them, finally. I respect them and their decisions now.

Another mistake I committed was to have under-utilized the opportunities given to me at my school, DPS, Korba. I hid under covers, literally. I felt protected in anonymity. I tried hard to suppress all my talents, never letting them surface up. It was a deception towards my teachers, who invested a lot of hard work and hopes in me. I cheated them by not being what I could have been. In that way, I cheated myself too. I became what my peers wanted me to be. I posed to be the ultra-cool, uber-urban, hip-hop kinda person, because that was what gained me a position in the most elite group of school. It was a pseudo-existence for 12 years in school. It definitely was not me, at any point of time. But again, the realization did set in, and I decided to break the charade. When I set foot in my new school, I was a totally new person, much to the chagrin of some of my old friends ;-).

A small getaway here. The fact that I enumerate all my misgivings here may make me sound like a masochist. But, trust me, it is anything but that. The more I come in terms with all these obscure fears, the more is the pain alleviated. For me, this is the way it works-hitting hard on the truth makes me see it, and allays all my doubts.

Anyways, another mistake that I committed was that I never sought for a person who’d listen to me. It was purely by chance that I hit across Harini and Vijay. Had it not been for them, I would still have been only a patient listener. I do find pleasure in playing the agony aunt and helping out the people with their troubles. It gives me immense satisfaction if I am able to spread smiles across faces. But in doing these, I put my own feelings and wants in the backseat. There was a time when I became a doormat, letting anybody and everybody trample over me. I used to let people make fun of me, have a laugh at my expense. I used to join them in the joke they cracked on me. It was my friend who made me see the futility of it. She told me that being a doormat won’t solve the purpose. It would bear down on my self-dignity. The best bet would be to be strong myself and give support to others. This is a hard-faced truth which Harini made me see. And Vijay is this person, who listens out to me. I can keep lamenting to him forever and ever, and he’d still be listening to me. He gives me unconditional support and I know I can fall back on him whenever I need a true friend. Same with Harini too.

Another complaint that I have is to have taken my engineering way too leniently. I had antipathy towards the course, the college, the rules, et al. But that was no reason for me to screw my academics at college. Engineering is not a big deal, it isn’t tough and all. I could have easily scored over 87%. But I never took my subjects seriously, did not pay enough heed to classes. I have had an academically strong background in my school life and all. However, in college, I did not give enough justice to matters relating to studies. Not that I fared badly in exams and all, but I didn’t perform up to my capabilities. I did balance my academics and extra curriculars, but yeah, I didn’t give it my best shot. A mistake which didn’t cost me anything as such, however, a few better grades would have looked good on my mark sheets.

The biggest mistake that I’ve committed so far is to have wasted 6 precious, solid months of my life. The period between completing my UG and joining my company was a golden one, inviting me with open arms, to realize most of my dreams. I could’ve applied for a course in journalism, or studied for GRE and TOEFL, actually written them off…! Whew! All I did was, to waste away the time in front of the system, watch TV and read books. Well, I take back the last part, about reading books, but otherwise, I could have done so much. Like, I could’ve seriously charted out a weight reduction plan, and stuck on to it religiously. Ah well, it isn’t too late for that. The indefinite hold that our calls have been put on seems to be the trend for the coming couple of months. All I have to say is, “I shall over come, I shall over come, I shall over come, some day!”

So, these are the few candidly put forth thoughts of mine. I don’t have any shame looking back at them, and to have committed any of these mistakes, because I belong to the school of thoughts which says that “You learn from your past mistakes.” Smartness lies in the fact that we do not commit any of our mistakes for a second time. We emerge a better person after realizing each folly of ours, don’t we?



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